Thursday, 10 September 2015

Permenantly Catching Up

I don't really know where I'm going with this post but basically do you ever have those days where no matter what you do, and no matter how hard you try, everything just kinda fails? Because I certainly do! And recently starting sixth form again seems to have reminded me of that. 

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm an extremely fortunate person, and I just want to start of by saying I'm not ungrateful for anything I have. It just seems a bit much and like I spend my life permanently catching up with everything. 

Right now I genuinely feel like they're something wrong with me. For some reason, no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep up in situations where everyone else seems to be coping just fine. It's like I'm simply slowing down in a world that's speeding up and nothing can stop me spiraling out of control.

I have always been the type of person that wants to do everything, and be good at it! A feeling I hate is knowing that I didn't put 100% effort into something. I also like trying new things, after all, that's what makes life interesting isn't it? However I feel like I get involved too quickly in things, and before I get the chance to say no, I'm committed.

I would also just like to say that if it looks like I never put any effort in, its because I'm trying to make it look like that. I guarantee that behind all the failed tests that I claimed "I didn't even revise for" has been hours of preparation. Another reason it may look like I don't put effort in is because I've lost all motivation after constantly failing. 

Here are some of the many reasons I feel like I can't keep up with my life:

  • A levels. At the end of year 11 I found myself choosing my A level subjects and I was having difficulty narrowing down the subjects. I then decided to do four core subjects and German as an extra subject since I already have a head start in the language by having German family. However, even with this advantage, doing an extra subject isn't exactly a walk in the park.
This is what my room looks like with all my notes

  • YouTube and blogging. I seriously want my videos and posts to be as good as they can possibly be and it annoys me like crazy that it doesn't come across. Believe me when I say I spend all the time I can working on my channel and blog, even if that means staying up every night. Also, there is always so much to catch up on and there are so many people on the internet who I want to support, but due to time, I can't keep up to date with the entire time. If it were up to me I would comment on and like every single video/post from the people I follow. 
When I stay up till 2am finishing blog posts

  • Tiredness. The sentence I say the most is "wow I'm so tired". This is no doubt the consequence of staying up way past midnight every night thanks to homework and editing. No matter how much homework I get I will always find a way to work on my channel or blog. However, it means when morning comes I'm way too sleepy to actually concentrate on my subjects that I actually want to do well in.
Me the day after staying up late

  • Clubs and other commitments. I've been a member of sports clubs for ages and right now I can't quit because we're working towards stuff and I'd let everyone down if I did. However, I have absolutely no time to practice so I'm rubbish at it and let everyone down anyway. Also, my clubs are at the end of the week which means I'm exhausted and have no time to rest and recover for the next week. 
What I feel my karate's like after having no time to practice

  • I need to find a job. Like seriously, loads of people in my year have a job and I don't know how they have time for it. I feel like at my age everyone is expecting me to have a part time job and I need one anyway to be able to pay for the things I buy for my blog. 
Every time I check my bank account

  • Friends and family. I'd love to spend all the time I can catching up with friends and family because it's important. Unfortunately, I always cancel plans because I'm busy doing homework or I'm just too exhausted to go out. I feel like my social life (if you can even call it one) is seriously suffering as result. 
When my family tells me to stop working and actually get a life

Basically, I'm writing this post because I'm sick of working my absolute socks off and it not showing in any aspect of my life. I'm tired of not being able to meet everyone's expectations and it just leads to constant disappointment. If you have been in this situation than I am willing to listen to your advice. I'm gonna work 100% harder than I usually do catch up and I hope it pays off. The song of the day is Poison by Rita Ora (just cus it's an absolute tune!) Thanks for reading this little ramble xxx